A Voice In The Wilderness

9Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: 10“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11“The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. 12‘I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ 13“And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ 14“I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Luke 18: 9 - 14 NKJV

I have been attending your sunday services for some time now.  At first I enjoyed the upbeat music and the fellowship with fellow christians.  It was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.  As you know, everyday life can be nothing short of exhausting.  Yet, when I first walkded through the doors of your church I immediately felt welcomed.  I am not a "veteran" christian by any means.  I have my moments where I backslide into those behaviors which I used to indulge in.  Indeed I know better, but this is just the way I am.  At first I welcomed the church atmosphere where it seemed that I was among those who, like myself, had struggled in my search for what God really desires for me.  I am certain that my heavenly Father has no desire to see me hurting inside.  Not only that, I am certain that He does not enjoy it struggle in my own life.  I know this because of the feeling of closeness I feel for Him each day.  He is my Father, and I am His son.  As the scripture says, my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.  In my own heart I know that I share a intimate connection with my heavenly Father.  So much so that I began to share this with you as well.  I was excited to share my intimate connection with my heavenly Father.  Maybe my God wasn't tied to the church after all?  I remember mentioning this to you after service one sunday, but what I most recall is the look of confusion on your face as I told you how free I was begining to feel.  Surely you, being a pastor, had experienced this excitement as well?  My excitement was shortlived, however, as you told me to beware of false teachers.  I began to wonder, had God misled me?  Was He just testing me to see if I would truly be loyal to Him?  I mean, He did that with Abraham, right?  Surely my heavenly Father would never deny His own child happiness?  Yet you told me to be careful of who I listened to.

3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,4who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.
2 Corinthians 1: 3 - 5 NKJV

One night as I was lying in bed wondering how I could be a better son to my Lord, I heard a radio pastor mention in passing those who had found a relationship with Jesus.  Immediately I felt that excitement again.  That same excitement I had felt the very first time I entered your church.  Could I truly have a one on one relationship with my savior?  When I asked you, once again you told me to beware of false teachers and that God would judge such people appropriately.  Did God only shower me with His love when I behaved well and followed the guidelines of the church?  Was my heavenly Fathers love conditional on my behavior?  All of a sudden your  church did not seem so welcoming.  In fact, I was finding more burdens than love and acceptance.  There were even a few close christian friends in church who advised me that God might be trying to "tell me something."  It saddened me that God would lead me on like He did.  I really felt as if He had led me into your church for a reason, and now it seemed like He was truly abandoning me.  Your sunday services were no longer welcoming for me.  When I did attend, I started to come in late and sit in the back row away from those who felt as if I was somehow unworthy of my Lords love and affection.  After all, I was a sinner, and you once told me that God could never be in the presence of sin.  I began to question my own salvation.  Was I good enough for God?  Could I ever overcome that man I used to be?  When I asked you if God could love someone like me you told me to ask for His forgiveness.  I no longer feel welcome in your church, pastor.  I long for that excitement I felt when I first walked through the doors of your congregation.  I need to know that my heavenly Father really loves me.  Until then I will no longer be attending your church.  I hope that you can find it in your heart to pray for me.  I need something more.

4“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” 5Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said bto me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”
Revelation 21: 4 - 5 NKJV

~Scott~