Towards the bad I kept on turnin'
Till mama couldn't hold me anymore
~Merle Haggard~
I had a conversation not so long ago with a young lady who had been close to my mom before she passed. Although we shared little in common, there were still memories to share. One of her memories of my mom was of a particular sunday morning when my mom came into her bible class ready to tell anyone who would listen just how proud she was of her son. Although today I cannot for the life of me recall just what I had done to make her so proud, it made me feel good that one of my final memories of her was a possitive one. But, as they say, things were not always smiles and sunshine for her youngest son. In fact, I can recall many a time growing up where I was sure that my own mother would abandon me for a more well behaved kid. Still, mama tried. I guess I'm not the only kid who ever pushed those limits of parental authority, nor will I be the last. It's these memories that have stung me the most since her passing. In my mind I had done my absolute best to push her buttons and make her life miserable. Still, mama tried. I will say that one thing that my mother taught her two sons which in some way seemed to stick with me during my rebel years was her faith and belief in God. This would be the cornerstone which seemed to keep me from wandering too far into a life of being a young thug. Keep in mind that one of my role models growing up was my older brother. A older brother who would rather me stay at home than wander the streets with him and his friends. Thank goodness for small blessings I guess. Mama tried. So, instead of wandering the streets and coming home God knows when as my brother and his freinds would do so often, I would be the son who would stay at home and listen as mom would tell bible stories, boring right? That's what I thought at the time believe me. Still, mama tried.
14“I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own. 15“As the Father knows Me, even so I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. 16“And other sheep I have which are not of this fold; them also I must bring, and they will hear My voice; and there will be one flock and one shepherd. 17“Therefore My Father loves Me, because I lay down My life that I may take it again.18“No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This command I have received from My Father.”
John 10: 14 - 18 NKJV
One of my memories of my mom while growing up was of her on her knees praying whenever things got rough. One thing about my mom, when the storms of life came upon her family she knew immediately who to turn to. So it is that whenever I would come home and see my mother on her knees in prayer I would often wonder what it was I had done. It might be my own guilty conscience or the fear that she had somehow discovered my latest escapade, but from a young age I learned that God was not someone I wanted to mess with. I actually envisioned waking up some morning and being pelted by fire, brimstone and lightning on my way to school. Indeed, my mother put the fear of the Lord in me. Never in a violent manner, that wasn't her way. However, she wasn't above reminding me that despite all that I had done, that there was one who knew all I did. There were no secrets with God. You can imagine just how much of a damper this would put on a young hell raiser. Despite my best efforts, I had come to the realization that I couldn't get away with anything. There was always someone watching my every move. Of course, as I got older I would all too often turn a blind eye to the Lords vision. I pretty much didn't care what it was that He saw me do. It is these times that I know hurt my mom the worst, and it is these times which still haunt me today. For even though I was focused on living my life my own way, one thing that I always carried with me was that I never wanted to hurt my mother in any way. Things don't always work out the way we want them to however. This is exactly why I cherish the memory which my mothers friend shared with me recently. Despite all I have been through, all that I put her through growing up, she still carried in her heart pride in her youngest son. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, mama tried.
~Scott~
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